The (big, fat, totally bonkers) Diary of Pig Page 2

  I opens one eye and looks around to see if I can see what hurt me. At first everything is black and blurry, but as my eye begins to see in the dark I starts to make out a dark shape staring down at me.

  Something is standing on top of my head.

  A terrible, scary something.

  One what I never thought I would ever see again.

  My heart freezes. I is sure it really does. I can’t feel it beat.

  Panic fills up my whole body. Even though I wants to get up and run away I can’t.

  I lets out a tiny frightened gasp.

  “YOU!” it whispers in a silly, posh-sounding accent, moving its horrible face even closer to mine. “YOU ARE A VERY DEAD PIG!”

  It throws its head back and softly lets out a horrible laugh.

  Surely I can’t be seeing what I is seeing…

  THE SUPER EVIL CHICKEN IS BACK!!!!

  I lets out a small frightened fart. The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN sniffs and lets out another nasty, silent laugh. I is not surprised it finds it funny – my fart smells like the blue plant Mrs Sandal grows in a pot by her front door.

  “Mmmmmm, lavender,” says Ki-Ki dreamily. I don’t think the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN realized he was there. He stares down at him in surprise. I glances down too and when I looks back up the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN is gone. Vanished! Like it was never there. I looks all around my shed, and then all around it again. No sign.

  My heart springs back to life.

  Ki-Ki turns over.

  “Are you awake?” I whispers, hoping he is so I can tell him what just happened and how frightened I is.

  “Yes,” he mutters back and lets out a little snore, “I am your new Mooooonstone.” He’s sleep talking.

  I lays my head back down and closes my eyes. But I can’t get back to sleep. I can’t get the picture of the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN out of my head.

  Surely – I tries to convince myself – surely it was just a nightmare? After all, a real EVIL CHICKEN couldn’t just disappear, right?

  Worryday

  Hello.

  I is so tired. I hasn’t slept one wink. I is very glad it is morning though, so I can tell someone about what happened.

  Ki-Ki had no idea who the EVIL CHICKENS was, so me and Duck filled him in. We told him how horrible they were. How they used to live in a shed next to mine, how I used to fart into it to pay them back for being so nasty. We told him how, one day, they tricked me into flying to Pluto in the Trocket they had built, and how when I finally got back, Duck and me got our revenge by rocketing their shed into space, with them and my old Farmer (who wanted to chip-chop me up and eat me) inside.

  “And you think these hideous CHICKENS are back?” he asks when we has finished. “That they came into your shed last night whilst we were sleeping?”

  “Well, yes, sort of,” I says.

  “OMG! I so told you!” he says, fanning his face with his wings, getting all overexcited. “Your slops said something totally terrible was going to happen - they must have meant this!!!!!”

  “Honestly, you two!” says Duck. “You're as crazy as each other. We sent the EVIL CHICKENS into space – we saw them go.

  There was no steering wheel in their shed. There is no way they could have turned it around and come back down to Earth. What is a lot more possible is that Mrs Jingle Jangle’s funny new slops gave you some strange dreams.”

  “But it didn’t feel like a dream,” I protests, “it felt VERY real.”

  “We all have dreams that feel real sometimes. I had one the other day where I grew huge wings, as big as an eagle’s, and instead of my head I had cow’s. I tried to fly, but my cow head was just too heavy. I was flapping my wings as fast as I could, but I just couldn't leave the ground. I woke up actually flapping my wings. It all felt so real. But of course it wasn’t; it was just a silly dream,” says Duck.

  Wow! How can he call me and Ki-Ki crazy when he has dreams like that?!

  “Come on,” he says, “let’s go and find cow and see if she wants a game of where’s woc? – that’ll keep your mind off all this silly nonsense.”

  I can tell Ki-Ki is just as worried as I is. He even comes and plays where’s woc? with us just so he can keep an eye on me.

  I tries my hardest to enjoy it, but wherever I looks my silly brain makes me see the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN. I looks under the big flowerpot, there it is smiling back at me. I lifts up the wheelbarrow, there it is waving. It’s even there when I peers into the big tank what Mr and Mrs Sandal collects rain in to water their veggies with. Its evil reflection stares back at me and winks.

  I gets so freaked out by this that I makes an excuse about feeling overtired and goes back to my shed for a lie down. I hear Ki-Ki and Duck carry on the search for cow without me. Finally they finds her hiding behind the pointy arrow thing on top of the barn, what tells you which way the wind is blowing.

  I closes my eyes and tries to sleep, but even though I is super tired, I just can’t. The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN’s face is always there, staring straight back at me. It’s like its face is painted on the inside of my eyelids. It’s horrible.

  I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wants Duck to be right about us both being silly. Normally I would want him to be wrong, but not this time.

  Trauma-Morn

  Hello.

  Duck was right. I was wrong to think the EVIL CHICKENS was back and about to do something bad. They hasn’t done anything terrible.

  I HAS!

  I’ve done something far, far worse and more evil than they ever could. I is now the evil one. I IS EVIL PIG!

  I was so tired from not sleeping the night before that, by the time I went to bed, I was totally exhausted. Ki-Ki made himself into the biggest, softest pillow, which made sleeping even easier.

  Just before sunrise I starts to have this dream about the biggest turnip ever. It’s a super, ginormous whopper. When I bites into it, it’s more juicy than any turnip I has ever tasted – all nice and mushy. My dream tummy is super happy. Yum! Yum! Yum! I is just about to take the final bite when I gets this funny feeling in my mouth. It feels like it is full of something dry and tickly, like feathers. It’s horrible. I starts to cough so much that I wakes myself up.

  I feels my straw bedding pressing against my cheek. That’s funny, I thinks, as I lets out another splutter, where’s my Ki-Ki pillow gone? I lifts my head up to look for him and chokes again. Feathers, real ones not dream ones, puffs out of my mouth. I looks down at them; they is the same colour as Ki-Ki's. Why is I spitting out his feathers?

  I calls out his name, but I gets no reply. He’s not here. I calls out louder, but still nothing. Mrs Jingle Jangle’s voice suddenly pops into my head: “You’re like a Hoover,” it says.

  “You’d gobble up anything and everything!”

  A terrible thought crosses my mind. It sends a cold tingle all the way down my back. What if I have, by mistake, in my sleep, eaten Ki-Ki? What if I can’t see him because he is INSIDE MY TUMMY?

  NO! NO! Surely not. I can’t have. That would be impossible. Pigs only eat veggies. I would NEVER eat another animal.

  I must be mistaken. He must have got up super early and gone to see Mrs Jingle Jangle. I runs over to her van and I calls out his name. “Ki-Ki! Ki-Ki! Are you in there?”

  Mrs Jingle Jangle opens the door and looks down at me. She’s clearly only just woken up, her crazy hair looks even more crazy and she is still wearing her Farmer night clothes. She rubs her eyes and blinks. I sneezes; some more feathers puff out of my mouth. Mrs Jingle Jangle lets out a loud scream. I tries to push past her and peek inside her van. I can’t see Ki-Ki in there.

  “Get back! Get Back!” she cries, pushing me out of the door. She doesn’t even bother putting on her jingly-jangly Sandals; she runs straight across the yard, to my shed, in her bare feet. She looks all around it for Ki-Ki. I tries to tell her, “He’s not here!” But of course Mrs Jingle Jangle doesn’t understand Pig.

  “Moonstone! Moonstone!” she cries out as she runs around the yard.

/>   “Ki-Ki! Ki-Ki!” I cries, running around like a mad Pig after her. All the shouting wakes up Duck who comes paddling across his pond to see what is going on.

  Before he can even ask, Mrs Jingle Jangle stops calling for “Moonstone” and turns on me. Her kind face suddenly doesn’t look so kind. It looks very angry and very upset. She points her finger at me and says something in Farmer. Her lovely soft voice doesn’t sound soft any more.

  “What on Earth????” says Duck, looking very confused. “She says she thinks you’ve eaten Ki-Ki!”

  “I … I…” I stutters. To begins with I is too scared to even say the words, but then they tumbles out all at once. “… I thinks she might be right. Last night I dreamt I was eating the biggest, juiciest turnip ever – it was so delicious – but when I woke up my mouth was full of feathers – Ki-Ki's feathers – and he wasn’t in my house and he isn’t in Mrs Jingle Jangle’s van and he isn’t in the yard and…” I coughs and another feather comes out. It lands at Duck’s feet – it’s one of Ki-Ki's tail feathers. “… I thinks I has, by mistake, gobbled him up in my sleep.”

  I can see Duck is having a job to take this all in. His beak opens but no words come out.

  “pig licker???” shouts cow from her shed. I had no idea she was listening in too. cow has a habit of getting her words in Pig all muddled up, I am sure she doesn’t mean licker. She means KILLER. A Pig-killer – a Piller. For the first time I has made up a name I doesn’t find funny at all.

  Our shouting must have woken the Sheeps too ’cos I hears them shouting from their field:

  I looks at Duck for some sort of translation. This is not a word I has ever heard. He tells me it means I loves to eat meat.

  I feels sick, sick all the way from my nose to my tail. How could I have done such a thing? How could I eat a friend? How could I have turned into a Carnivaar? I doesn’t know whether to cry or scream, so I does both. I makes this terrible wailing sound. I feels so confused and strange. I doesn’t know what to do. I runs back into my house and throws myself on to the straw.

  I screams and cries all at once, thumping my trotters into the ground. Mrs Jingle Jangle rushes over, slams my door and locks it. I doesn’t blame her. I would lock me up too. I looks up at her; tears is running down my face, snot is pouring out of my nose and I thinks I is drooling too. Mrs Jingle Jangle looks terrified.

  Duck comes in and tries to calm me down.

  “Get out!” I shouts. “I can’t be trusted! I might eat you too! Get out! Get out!” The last thing I wants to do is, by mistake, eat my best friend.

  “I know you, Pig. You’re not going to eat me,” says Duck calmly. “I don’t believe you have eaten Ki-Ki, either. Something very strange is going on here and I’m determined to get to the bottom of it. This all smells very fishy to me.”

  I sniffs the air. I can’t smell fish. Duck is going mad, just like me.

  I sits down and I sobs and I sobs and I sobs. I wants to lie down and sleep and pretend like it all never happened but I can’t; all my tears and dribbling has made my bed too wet.

  Shocker-Noon

  Hello.

  I feels terrible and I is sure I looks terrible too. I has spent most of the morning crying. My face feels all swollen and puffy.

  Mrs Jingle Jangle doesn’t bring me any lunch. Why would she? She thinks I just ate Ki-Ki. This doesn’t bother me; I isn’t hungry. I guesses Ki-Ki has really filled me up. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Just the thought of what I has done makes me start to shake. Once I starts I can’t stop.

  Mrs Jingle Jangle does come over and see me though. She brings a big book with her.

  “Uh-oh!” I hears Duck say from outside my shed. “The Scientific Encyclopedia of Animal Diseases.”

  I wonders if he has been sitting outside all along.

  She takes a good look at my dribbling, snot-covered face and shaking body and starts flipping through the book. She stops on a page near the middle and reads it quietly to herself. I hears her mutter some odd-sounding Farmer words: “Mucous.” “Dribbling.” “Fever.” When she is finished she looks even more frightened than she was earlier.

  “AHHH!” she cries, “SWINEY FLUE!!” She slams the book shut and runs back into her van.

  “Swine Flu!” says Duck, popping his head into my shed. “She thinks you have Swine Flu. Really? This is all getting very, very silly.”

  “How has I caught Swiney Flue?” I asks. “Is it like work-o-holism? Did I get it from the Sandals? Does it make you eat your friends?”

  “NO, it’s nothing like what the Sandals have. NO, it doesn’t make you eat your friends. And most importantly, NO, you don’t have it,” he says. “You aren’t ill; there is nothing wrong with you. YOU DIDN’T EAT KI-KI! Like I said before, something very strange is going on here. Ask yourself this: could you taste anything funny in your mouth this morning, apart from feathers? Cast your mind back – think.”

  I tries to remember. My mind is such a muddle - it’s hard.

  “I think I just tasted turnip,” I says. “But I really can’t be sure. Maybe turkeys taste a bit the same?”

  “Turkeys DO NOT taste like turnips!” says Duck. I can tell he is starting to get cross. Though I is not sure it is with me; I think it’s with the pickle I is in.

  “I don’t understand. How could I have not eaten him?” I asks. I so wants Duck to be right about all this, but I just can’t see how.

  “Because Pig, I think you’ve been set-u—”

  But before he can finish his voice is drowned out by a loud siren. I peers out through the bars on my gate to see where it’s coming from. Into the yard screeches a white van.

  This van is smaller than Mrs Jingle Jangle’s and it doesn’t have pretty patterns painted down the sides. It has five Farmer letters: DEFRA . It has one small window, but instead of curtains it has metal bars. And on its roof it has a blue flashing light.

  Its doors burst open and two Farmers steps out. Well, I thinks they is Farmers. They could also be space aliens, but I don’t think space aliens drive Farmer vans.

  They is wearing large white suits what covers their whole bodies, white wellies, white gloves and these odd helmets on their heads what looks like buckets with special windows cut into them so they can see out.

  Where their noses should be they has these big black circles, what makes a loud hissing noise when they breathe. All I can really see of their faces is their eyes. They doesn’t look friendly. One is big and tall and one is much smaller and more round.

  Mrs Jingle Jangle comes rushing out and points them towards my shed. The big one is carrying a strange head collar what has lots of looping straps dangling off it. The little one is carrying a long, black stick.

  They walks over to my house and unbolts my door. When they talks, their special helmets makes them sound like they is hissing like snakes. They sounds just as evil as they looks.

  They opens out their arms and walks towards me, forcing me into the corner of my house. The small one presses a button on the side of his stick. Little bolts of blue light flies out the end of it. It makes a nasty electric buzzing noise. He points it at me.

  “What’s happening? What’s happening?” I calls out in a panic. “Who are these odd Farmers?”

  I can tell they must be super bad, ’cos Duck is attacking the big one‘s wellies, trying to stop him getting any closer.

  “DEFRA,” says Duck, dodging a kick.

  “Deathra?” I says, finding it hard to hear him over their hissing.

  “You might as well call them that,” says Duck. “This is bad, Pig! Mrs Jingle Jangle must have told them you have Swine Flu. They have come to take you away!”

  “TAKE ME AWAY! NO! NO!!!! THEY CAN’T, THEY CAN’T. THIS IS MY HOME,” I screams. But then a big thought hits me: if I is a Carnivaar and I stays here, I might eat more of my friends. Wouldn’t everyone be safer if I wasn’t around?

  Before I has time to think this thought through, Big Deathra lunges at me and throws his arm around my neck. He squee
zes so hard I can’t breathe. I feels my eyes bulge. With his other arm he takes the strappy head collar and roughly pulls it over my head.

  He lets go of my neck, and tightens the straps around my head.

  He attaches a lead to it and gives it a hard tug. It pulls me forwards. I loses my balance and falls over. He continues pulling. I tries to stand up but I loses my balance and falls over again. Little Deathra jabs at my head with the electric stick. I manages to move out of the way just in time. I hears it crackle and snap as it passes my ear. Big Deathra doesn’t even wait for me to get up; he just drags me across the yard on my side.

  “I won’t let this happen to you!” says Duck, running along beside me. “I won’t, Pig, I promise! I will do everything to save you!”

  “Save me from what?” I wants to ask, but my mouth is clamped too tightly.

  cow rushes out of her shed, snorting and looking very mad. Steam comes out of her nose – she pounds the ground with her front hoof. Little Deathra lunges towards her with the electric stick. She backs away.

  I hears her cry as I is roughly bundled into the back of the van. Just before the doors slams shut I glimpses Mrs Jingle Jangle’s face. She looks upset and angry all at once.

  The doors is slammed shut, the engine roars and we speeds off. I manages to pick myself up off the floor just in time to get my last glimpse of the Farm through the small back window. I sees Mrs Jingle Jangle, cow, the Sheeps and Duck all vanish into the distance.

  I has a horrible feeling that will be the last time I will ever be seeing my friends. And, thanks to this stupid collar thing holding my mouth shut, I didn’t even gets to say goodbye.