The (big, fat, totally bonkers) Diary of Pig Read online

  Hello.

  Me I is Pig. I is big and pink (sometimes a bit brown if I has been rolling in mud). My best friend Duck says I has stopped growing; that I has reached my maximum size. But I don’t think this is true. I is sure when I eats a lot I gets a bit bigger and when I don’t eat so much, I gets a little bit smaller.

  Duck and I lives on Mr and Mrs Sandal’s Farm. We used to live here with just cow and all the Sheeps. That was until our last adventure, where we was joined by a Turkey called Ki-Ki.

  Since he’s arrived, he has lived with me in my house. I never thought I would want to be sharing my house with anyone. But Ki-Ki is big and fluffy and makes the best pillow ever, so I really isn’t complaining. Oh, and he is very nice too – which of course is more important than the pillow thing. Well, sort of.

  He says one day he will move out and get a house of his own, but I don’t think he really means this. Even though he has never said it I knows the idea of sleeping alone in the dark scares him.

  Since he arrived Ki-Ki has been doing his very best to join in with the silly games we loves playing. But I can tell that deep down he is not REALLY enjoying them as much as we does. When we plays cow’s favourite game, where’s woc?, he spends more of his time finding things to make jewellery out of than he does finding cow. He made quite an amazing ring for one of his scaly toes out of an old nut the other day. He was super proud of it.

  He can’t play Name That Fart with us because he has an “over-sensitive beak”. This is a huge shame. Name That Fart is my most favourite game in the whole wide world. And we has just made it even better – now it isn’t about just doing farts what sounds like animals. You can do farts what sounds like anything: tractors, spaceships, submarines. The other day I did my best one yet. Luckily for Ki-Ki, he was too far away to smell it, but he still heard it.

  “OMG, Pig! That is just totally and utterly gross-mongous!” he shouted across the yard, placing his wings over his ears and making a face like he was about to be sick.

  “Wrong answer!” Duck shouted back. “It’s not gross-mongous, it’s a combine harvester! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

  Me and Duck found this VERY funny. Duck’s not only my best friend, he’s also the best guesser of my fart noises ever. We loves playing games together. Duck used to have a big family to play with, but then one night Fox came and gobbled them all up. Nasty, nasty Fox!!!

  Ki-Ki says he doesn’t mind not playing with us. He says he is just happy to be here with such fantastic friends. Before he met us he had never had any.

  To say a “super-special thank you” to me for being his friend and for letting him share my shed, he has made me this new diary. I is super impressed – it looks just as good as any of the Farmer-made ones I has used before. I loves keeping a diary. I is not sure what to call this one. Ki-Ki has suggested I call it:

  But I thinks that is a little bit too long. So I has decided to call it…

  Contents

  Cover

  Oddsiday

  Badfartsyday

  Spooksiday

  Terrornight

  Worryday

  Trauma-Morn

  Shocker-Noon

  Unbelievable-Eve

  Zero Six Hundred Hours

  Zero Rest Hours

  Contact! Contact!

  Foxtrot Oscar X-Ray

  Clear and Present Danger

  E.E.G. (Evil Evidence Gathered)

  Battle Planning

  Sheep Activation

  The Long Goodnight.

  Operation Evil Chicken Down

  The Last Hurrah!

  Roger, Over and Out

  Back Ads

  Copyright

  Oddsiday

  Hello.

  As this is the first time I has been writing in a while, I is feeling I should tell you what has been happening – that way when I starts to tell you what is actually happening right now, you will be understanding it better.

  First I needs to tell you about the Sandals and how hard they has been working. The Sandals really is the most amazing Farmers anyone could want to live with. They is Vegytarian – this means instead of growing animals to eat, they grows yummy veggies. Owners what don’t want to eat you is the best kind you can have.

  They started off just growing a few. But their veggies is so tasty that other Farmers started wanting them too, so they has had to grow more and more. They has even had to make their veggie patch bigger to make space to grow them all. I wishes that they would extend it into my Pig House. It would be so amazing to have a bedroom filled with delicious turnips and yummy carrots. But maybe not that amazing for very long. I don’t think I could help but eat them all up, and I know that would make Mr and Mrs Sandal EXTREMELY cross.

  Anyways, Mr and Mrs Sandal works very hard. Every day they works from when the sun comes up, until the sun goes down. Duck says they has got a bad case of “work-o-holism”. I hopes it is not catching. I wouldn’t want to be working so hard ALL day. In fact I doesn’t want to be working at all – that would stop me having so much time to play.

  Work-o-holism makes you do some odd things too. The other day Mr Sandal was sitting in his special chair, singing away to his veggies, when all of a sudden he fell asleep. One minute I was listening to him going, “La, de, da, de, dooooo…” and the next I was listening to him snoring. He dribbled all down his nice rainbow-coloured jumper too. Poor Mr Sandal.

  And Mrs Sandal is no better. Yesterday she gave me a bowl of Sheeps’ pellets instead of my normal Piggy slops. Sheeps’ food is YUCK! It makes my tongue go all dry and funny. I tried to tell her that she had made a mistake, but she just did a big yawn, patted me on the head and walked off.

  The second thing I needs to tell you is sort of strange and I feels a bit silly even saying it. But I has to, because it’s really bothering me: I thinks I is being watched. I has no idea by who or what. I has never seen anyone watching me – which is why I know it sounds really silly. I just has this really strong feeling they is, and it won’t go away.

  It all started the other day when me and Duck was over at his pond trying to work out whether, if I did a big enough fart, I could fire myself from one side to the other. I was trying to see how many seconds I could fart for without stopping (I managed six on my first attempt – woo-hoo!) and Duck was doing something he called “mathematical calculations” – he really is so smart. We had just decided it might be possible – if I lost a bit of weight, but remained just as farty – when all of a sudden all the little hairs on my body stands up on end and I gets this feeling like someone is looking at me: really staring. It felt horrible.

  When I looked around to see who it was, I couldn’t see anyone. cow was in her shed eating some hay, the Sheeps was all in their field busy scratching themselves against their fence (they is very woolly at the moment and this makes them extremely itchy) and Ki-Ki was over by the Old Barn looking for things to make himself a new necklace from.

  I told Duck about my strange feeling, but he just laughed and said, “Who would want to spy on you? The fart police?” He found his joke really funny. I loves him very much, but he can be so annoying sometimes.

  I guesses he is probably right though. Who would want to spy on me? I really isn’t that interesting.

  Badfartsyday

  Hello.

  Today we is all getting a big surprise. It pulled into the yard just after breakfast. Duck tells me it is called a Camper Van; Farmers travels around in them when they wants a break from living in their house. The Camper Van is painted all over with flowers, rainbows, sunshines and birds. On the side is a large picture of a black cat. I has to say I is really not sure about cats, not after the last one I met
tried to kill me – I really hopes there is not a real cat inside the van!

  The owner of the Camper Van is the craziest-looking lady Farmer what I has ever seen.

  She has long grey hair what is piled up on top of her head like a giant bird’s nest. She wears a little round pair of glasses, what makes her eyes look bigger than they is, and in her ears she wears these enormous gold hoops. Her clothes is as bright and patterned as her van and she is wearing at least one hundred necklaces and bracelets. On her feet she wears the most AMAZING sandals. They makes the ones Mr and Mrs Sandal wear look VERY boring. They is covered all over in coloured beads and little, dangly, silver circles what makes

  a jingle-jangle sounds when she walks.

  I can immediately tell that Ki-Ki likes her. “Wow-wee! What a fantabulously beautiful creature,” he says, fluffing out all his tail feathers, trying to get her attention.

  Mrs Sandal runs over and gives the crazy-looking lady Farmer a huge hug. She says something to her, what Duck translates as meaning that she is Mrs Sandal’s aunt. Duck listens in – he says she has come to look after us whilst Mr and Mrs Sandal go on something called a “Yoga Retreat”. Duck says this is the perfect kind of holiday for Farmers like the Sandals.

  He tells me it involves spending every day eating veggies and bending into funny positions. This sounds like a very odd sort of holiday to me – I gets the eating part, but not the bending bit. How silly.

  “So long as Mrs Jingle-Jangle feeds me delicious slops, I is sure I won’t miss the Sandals too much,” I says. Ki-Ki thinks my name for her is very funny. I is very good at making up names.

  The Sandals shows Mrs Jingle-Jangle around the yard. She leaves her van open. So whilst they is busy looking at the veggie patch, me, Duck and Ki-Ki has a sneaky peek. It’s just as amazing-looking on the inside. Everything is covered in patterns: her chair, her bed, her kitchen. And the ceiling is completely covered in material what makes it look like a starry sky. Ki-Ki can’t stop saying “OMG!”

  I looks all around; I can see lots of pictures of a cat, but luckily I can’t see a real one – phew!

  Just after lunch a big bus pulls up outside the gate. It has a large sunshine painted on the side, with a picture of a Farmer sitting in a very strange position in the middle of it. Inside it is full of other Farmers what looks just like Mr and Mrs Sandal. It beeps its horn and Mr and Mrs Sandal comes out of their house with some big bags. They gets on the bus and waves goodbye to us. Mrs Jingle-Jangle waves back. She jingles and jangles from top to bottom.

  As we watches the bus drive away I gets my strange being-spied-on feeling again.

  “Duck,” I says, “I is being watched, just like I was the other day. I can feel it, I really can. Right now!”

  “Of course you’re being watched,” says Duck, “by all the Farmers on the bus. They have probably never seen such a big, pink Pig.” He gives my tummy a little prod with his wing and laughs.

  I spends the rest of the day trying to forget about it. Luckily Mrs Jingle Jangle brings me my supper a bit early; slops always takes my mind off things. I is super excited to see what kind she makes – every Farmer’s is different. I eats them up very quickly, making lots of happy oinking sounds. I really wants to impress her with my eating skills. I can eat LOTS very fast. She laughs and talks to me in Farmer.

  Duck translates for me: “What a greedy Piggy. You’re just like a Hoover, gobbling up anything and everything!” Mrs Jingle-Jangle is very funny. She thinks I is a Pig-Hoover - a Poover. Ha! Ha! Ha!

  I has to say though, if I is honest, I is not enjoying Mrs Jingle Jangle’s slops as much as I would like. They is very different to any I has had before – and not in good way. They tastes a bit like the way Mrs Jingle Jangle smells – of flowers. And they does terrible things to my bottom. After I has finished eating I does the strangest-smelling fart ever. It smells just like the roses what grows in the Sandals’ garden. I is really not happy about this. Pig farts is NOT meant to smell nice.

  My flowery farting makes Ki-Ki very happy though. They doesn’t make him pass out, in fact just the opposite. He says he finds them “totes delightful” and praises Mrs Jingle Jangle for her genius new slops recipe. He even suggests a new fart game, “Air Freshener or Flower?” Where you has to guess which one my fart smells more like.

  I is really not sure how I feels about any of this!

  Spooksiday

  Hello.

  I has to say I has never seen Ki-Ki as happy as I has seen him with Mrs Jingle Jangle. It is not that he has been unhappy with us, it’s just he seems to have found a whole new happiness with her.

  I immediately likes her too. She may not make the best slops, but there is something gentle and kind about her. She gives us all nice pets and strokes. She also sings all the time. I likes the sound of her songs – they makes me feel happy.

  I can tell, though, straight away, that Ki-Ki is her favourite. I is not jealous about this at all; in fact I is quite pleased. His last owner was so evil to him – he deserves someone nice to love him.

  After Mrs Jingle Jangle has fed us all breakfast, and given us our pats and back scratches, she opens the door to her van and encourages Ki-Ki inside. He happily goes in and doesn’t come out again for ages. As soon as he does I calls him over to Duck’s Pond so he can tell us all about his visit. I has never been invited to spend time with a Farmer. I wonders what they gets up to inside their homes. Does they have sleeps like us? Does they play games?

  Ki-Ki is so excited to tell us what happened that we doesn’t even have to ask him.

  “Oh, it was soooo fantabulous,” he babbles. “She is in-credible. So nice and kind and caring. You know that cat she has pictures of everywhere? Well that used to be her cat. I think its name was Moonstone. Only something terrible happened to it. I noticed she had a picture of this little cat-shaped gravestone. It had Farmer writing on. I could just understand the words ‘Cruelly eaten' and ‘Neighbour's dog'. How tragic!”

  He lets out a very brief, sad sigh.

  “Anyway, get this, I think she wants me to be her new Moonstone. I think it's 'cos I'm just like him. I have the same colour tail as he did: black with white bits at the end - spooky, right?! When Mrs Jingle Jangle

  noticed it, she started stroking it, saying Moonstone's name over and over. In that moment I think we both really connected, you know, like, spiritually.”

  Duck does a little swirly sign with his wing next to his head, “Crazy!” he mouths at me.

  “So you didn’t play any games at all?” I asks, slightly disappointed. I hoped I was going to learn about some new ones.

  “Well,” says Ki-Ki, excitedly flapping his wings, “we did do some Tea Leaf Reading. That's kind of like a game. You take a cup of tea, and when it's almost finished you look inside and study the leftover tea leaves. You look at these and they tell you what's going to happen to you. Mrs Jingle Jangle did a reading for me. She said I was ‘destined for high places'. How exciting is that?! Me, Ki-Ki, becoming something marvellicious. Now I know how it works I could read your fortune for you if you like?”

  “But I doesn’t drink tea,” I points out.

  “No problemo,” says Ki-Ki, “I am sure slops will work just the same. Come on, let's give it a go.”

  I is pretty sure it’s a waste of time. If my slops is telling Ki-Ki anything, it’ll be that I’m going to do some more flowery farts. But he is so excited about doing it that I feels I has to let him.

  So when Mrs Jingle Jangle brings me my supper slops I leaves a bit of them in the bottom of my bowl. I has to say, for once, this is not hard to do; today they tastes even weirder.

  Duck and me watches Ki-Ki as he swirls them round and round. He asks if I can do one of my nice new farts, to help create “the perfect ambience”. I manages to conjure one up. It smells like the yellow flowers what come out in springtime.

  “Air freshener,” says Ki-Ki, sniffing. “No. Hang on. Sorry, wrong: flower. Primrose, yes, definitely primrose. Am I right? Am
I right?”

  He looks over at me as he swirls. I rolls my eyes and shakes my head. I is NOT playing this game!

  “Spoilsport!” he says.

  Finally he stops swirling. Me and Duck gives each other a “this should be funny” look. Ki-Ki peers into the gooey mess in the bottom of my bowl and jumps back in horror.

  “No!” he cries, covering his beak with his wings. “Oh no!”

  “Oh no, what?” I asks. “Is my farts about to go back to the great-smelling ones you hate?”

  “It's much worse that that,” he says, not finding me funny. “Something terrible is going to happen to you. Something really terrible!”

  “His farts is going to smell like primroses FOR EVER,” laughs Duck.

  “No,” says Ki-Ki, getting very cross. “It's serious - really serious!”

  “Primroses. That would be serious, right, Pig?” says Duck, giving me a nudge. I laughs along with him, then I remembers all the funny feelings I has been having about being watched – what if Ki-Ki's fortune telling has something to do with this?

  I continues to laugh with Duck, but inside I is not thinking it is all quite as funny as it was a minute ago.

  Terrornight

  Hello.

  It’s the middle of the night and I is lying in my bed wide awake – I can’t sleep. In fact, I is not sure I is going to be able to sleep ever again, not after what I thinks I has just seen!

  Like normal I falls asleep on Ki-Ki dreaming about eating yummy veggies – ones what doesn’t taste like flowers! I has just dream-eaten my way through 12 carrots, 37 potatoes and 9 turnips, when I feels a strange pressure on my tummy. I thinks it must just be a dream-fart forming, but the pressure doesn’t move towards my bottom, it moves up towards my head. Up it creeps, closer and closer, until suddenly I feels a stab of pain just above my eye. Farts never come out of your eyes. Not even dream ones!