The (big, fat, totally bonkers) Diary of Pig Read online

  I has no idea why he is talking about houses and windows, but cow seems to get it.

  “ten four. woc copy that,” she says, nodding in agreement.

  Battle Planning

  Hello.

  I has been remembering how scared I was the last time I tried to get rid of the EVIL CHICKENS. There was two of us then: me and Duck. Now there is me, Duck, cow and RUSTY. This makes me feel a bit better. But I has to admit, not that much. When it comes to EVIL CHICKENS you just never know what’s going to happen.

  We sneaks back to our hidey-hole in the woods. cow is an incredible creeper. Even though she has had none of RUSTY’S special training, she seems to know exactly what she’s doing.

  RUSTY says we doesn’t have time to expand our hidey-hole to make it big enough for her and all of us to fit in. cow soon shows him he needn’t worry. Using her amazing where’s woc? skills she hides in a nearby bush – all you can see, if you look really closely, are her big brown eyes. RUSTY is very impressed.

  RUSTY renames our hole the War Room. “FROM HERE WE DRAW UP OUR BATTLE PLAN,” he says. “SOLDIERS, LET’S HEAR YOUR IDEAS”

  “I reckon,” Duck says, “if Fox knew that the EVIL CHICKENS’ ‘amazing’ bribe was just an underfed turkey, I am sure he would change his mind about not eating them. If only we could get them out of the tree and over to his hole.”

  “I LIKE YOUR THINKING,” says RUSTY. “NOTHING LIKE CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT TO SHARPEN THE APPETITE. BUT WE AIN’T GONNA BE ABLE TO GET THEM TO Fox, NOT WHILST THEY’RE ALL HOLED UP IN THAT TREE.”

  “Shame you can’t fly like Duck, or climb like cow – if you could get up there you could chase them down,” I says.

  RUSTY slowly shakes his head. “SOLDIER, I MAY BE EXTRAORDINARY IN MANY WAYS, BUT HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DOG CLIMB A TREE?”

  “Hmmmmm,” says Duck, thoughtfully stroking his beak. “There has to be a way to get them all out. Has to be.”

  “shakey! shakey!!” says cow’s voice from inside the bracken bush. She gives the bush a big shake.

  “cow,” says Duck, “this is no time for fun and games! We are doing serious planning over here.”

  I gets it. cow’s not being silly; cow is being smart.

  “She’s right!” I says. “While the EVIL CHICKENS sleep we shakes the tree so hard they falls out. They’ll be dazed and half asleep; it’ll make them easy for RUSTY to herd.”

  “shakey, shakey, to fox, god takey!” says cow proudly.

  “I LIKE YOUR THINKING, MA’AM,” says RUSTY, “BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THAT TREE? IT WOULD TAKE A WHOLE BATTALION TO MAKE IT SHAKE! THERE AIN’T ENOUGH OF US.”

  “How about the Sheeps?” I says. “Duck, remember how they itched themselves so hard on the Trocket it fell apart?”

  “You know what, Pig, I think you’re on to something,” says Duck, looking rather surprised at my cleverness. “Those acorns must be doing wonders for your brain as well as your bottom!”

  RUSTY doesn’t look so impressed though.

  “Sheep,” he says, shaking his head and letting out a long sigh, “IT JUS’ HAD TO COME DOWN TO Sheep, DIDN’T IT? DANG Sheep. THAT’S WHERE THIS OLD DOG’S JOURNEY BEGAN. WITH THEM, AND THEIR CANTANKEROUS WAYS.”

  “What journey?” I asks. I realizes, apart from the soldier stuff, we knows so little about him. I can’t imagine RUSTY having a problem with silly Sheeps.

  “WELL, I GUESS AS WE GOT A LITTLE TIME TO KILL RIGHT NOW…” he says, leaning back against the wall of our hole. “I MIGHT AS WELL GIVE YOU A DEBRIEF ON THE LIFE SO FAR OF RUSTINGTON-RUSTPATCH THE THIRD. SEE, I’M PEDIGREE JACK RUSSELL, BUT I WAS THE RUNT OF THE LITTER. SO INSTEAD OF GOING TO SOME FANCY-DAN HOME, I GOT SENT TO LIVE ON A Farm. GUESS NO PLACE ELSE WOULD HAVE ME. THEY ALREADY HAD TWO DOGS – SHEEPDOGS – AND THEY WEREN’T TOO FRIENDLY NEITHER.

  THEY LAUGHED AT ME. SAID I WAS A SMALL WASTE OF SPACE. SAID I’D AMOUNT TO NOTHIN’. SO I DECIDED TO SHOW ’EM. I DECIDED I’D LEARN HOW TO HERD Sheep – SHOW ’EM I WAS WORTH SOMETHIN’. BUT THE Sheep WOULDN’T PLAY BALL. DAY AFTER DAY, COME RAIN OR SHINE, I WENT OUT IN THAT FIELD. AND DAY AFTER DAY THEY DISOBEYED ME; RAN RINGS AROUND ME. THE SHEEPDOGS SAID I COULDN’T HERD A FLOCK OF CHICKENS LET ALONE A FLOCK OF Sheep. THAT CUT DEEP, BUT IT GOT ME THINKING: MAYBE IF I PRACTISED ON SOMETHING SMALLER, LIKE CHICKENS, I COULD HONE MY SKILLS; COME BACK TO THE Sheep WHEN I WAS MORE PREPARED.

  “I WAS YOUNG, I WAS FOOLHARDY, I WASN’T GOING TO LET ANYTHING STOP ME.

  “SO ONE MORNING I GOT UP EARLY AND LET MYSELF INTO THE HENHOUSE. I THOUGHT IT’D BE A WALK IN THE PARK. I COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG. THOSE CHICKENS WERE BEYOND VICIOUS. THEY PECKED AND THEY STABBED AND THEY PECKED SOME MORE. I DON’T KNOW HOW, BUT I MADE IT OUT OF THERE ALIVE. BUT THAT DAY I LOST SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO ME…”

  He glances down. I is sure he looks at his missing leg. Surely not!

  “I LOST MY PRIDE,” he continues, shaking his head. “I WAS A LAUGHING STOCK. I FELT I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO LEAVE. SO THAT’S WHAT I DID. I DIDN’T EVEN SAY GOODBYE.

  I JUS’ HIT THE ROAD AND I’VE BEEN ON IT EVER SINCE.”

  He lets out a long sigh. “poooooor god!” says cow’s bush.

  “NO NEED FOR SYMPATHY MA’AM,” he says, his voice returning to its normal gruff soldier style. “CAN’T MOVE FORWARD IF YOU’RE ALWAYS LOOKIN’ BACKWARD. WE NEED Sheep? WE GO GET Sheep! Duck, YOU, PIG AND I’LL GO REACH OUT TO ’EM. cow, YOU KEEP EYES ON THE TREE. WE NEED A HEADCOUNT. DON’T WANT TO MISS ANY WHEN THE TIME COMES.”

  “roger that!” she says.

  Sheep Activation

  Hello.

  I has to be honest, I is never sure with Sheeps if they really is as silly as they seems, or whether they is just super stubborn. Whichever it is, dealing with them is tough. Duck says he is happy to do the talking. Their language is pretty simple. Even I understands most of it.

  It’s getting dark as we enters their field. They is all settling down for the night. But when they sees us they gets up. They spots me first.

  “CAAARNIVAR! CAAARNIVAR!” they all chants as one.

  Sheeps generally says everything together. I sometimes wonder if they all has the same brain, just in separate bodies.

  Then they spots RUSTY.

  “HAAAR! HAAAR!” they all laughs.

  RUSTY narrows his eyes and mutters something under his breath what I can’t quite hear.

  “NAAAAAR! PIG NO CAAAARNIVAR,” says Duck, shaking his head. “EVIL CHICKENS FRAMED PIG FOR MURDAAAAAR. NOW THEY’RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING NASTY TO OUR TEMPORARY FARMAAAAAAR! NEED YOUR HELP TO GET RID OF THEM FOREVAAAR.”

  The Sheeps all looks at Duck like he is talking total nonsense; like he’s not even speaking their language.

  “WHAAAAAT???” they all says, shaking their heads and giving their cud a good chew.

  “JUST LIKE I REMEMBER,” mutters RUSTY. “BUNCH OF IGNORAMUS WOOL BALLS!”

  Duck takes a deep breath. “OK, I think we need a new tack here. YOU LIKE BAAACK SCRAAATCH?” he asks.

  “OOOOH, YAAAAR! YAAAAR!” replies the Sheeps enthusiastically, suddenly understanding him perfectly.

  “YOU COME TO OLD OAK TREE OVER THAAAAR TOMMORAAAAAR,” he continues, pointing towards the woods. “WE HELP YOU GET BEST BAAACK SCRAATCH EVAAAR.”

  “OHHHH AAAAAR YAAAAR YAAAAR!” says the Sheeps. I can see from their eyes they has gone into a kind of trance just thinking about having a good scratch.

  Duck does his best to make them understand that they needs to meet us at the tree just before sunrise. RUSTY says this is the best time – we needs a tiny bit of light so we can be sure we doesn’t leave a single CHICKEN behind.

  I really hopes they doesn’t let us down.

  We is only going to get one chance to stop the EVIL CHICKENS’ terrible plan, and this is it!!

  The Long Goodnight.

  Hello.

  I is writing this to you in the very middle of the night. I can’t sleep, I is too nervous. If my handwriting is hard to read, it is because it is
very difficult to write in the dark. I can hardly see my own trotter, let alone what I is writing on.

  When we got back from the Sheeps, it was dark. The EVIL CHICKENS was already up the tree and asleep.

  cow reported back that there is eight of them and that they all seemed very “turnip” when they came back from the Farm (if you doesn’t know already, “turnip” means “happy” in Pig. It’s always a happy time when you gets a turnip). I knows exactly why they is happy too! Because they has finished making their horrible Pomb.

  RUSTY says that all we can do now is play “THE WAITING GAME”. For a moment I thinks that this is a real game and gets excited – I loves playing! But it turns out he just means we has to sit in our hole and wait until morning. BORING!

  “I SUGGEST,” he says, closing his eyes and letting out a long breath, “YOU TAKE THIS TIME TO VISUALIZE THE BATTLE AHEAD. SEE YOURSELF OVERCOMING THE ENEMY. PICTURE THE SWEET VICTORY.”

  My problem is, whenever I thinks about the EVIL CHICKENS my tummy goes all churny and funny. Especially when I thinks about the SUPER EVIL one. I quickly decides to abandon RUSTY’S idea. I has a much better one: picture something that you likes and how you is going to enjoy eating it! Mmmmmm, slops, yummy, delicious slops I thinks, yum, yum, yum. This makes me feel much better.

  But it makes my tummy feel very hungry. It lets out a loud rumble.

  RUSTY’S eyes fly open “YOU GOT A MEGAPHONE IN THERE, SOLDIER?” he asks angrily, pointing at my tummy. “I MEAN WHY DOESN’T YOUR BELLY JUST SHOUT, ‘HEY, CHICKENS, WE’RE HIDIN’ OVER HERE!’?”

  “Sorry,” I mutters, feeling rather embarrassed. “I is just a bit hungry.”

  “BEST GET YOU SOMETHING TO QUIETEN THAT FOGHORN,” he says, shuffling out of our hole and into the woods. A few minutes later he returns with an enormous pile of acorns. They is the most tasty ones I has eaten yet. Delicious.

  Even though we is a little way from the tree, I can still hear the EVIL CHICKENS’ snores. ZNORE! ZNORE! ZNORE! They is very loud.

  I hears a few rustles from cow’s bush and a little yawn.

  “Sleep tight, cow,” I whispers.

  “yooooo toooooo,” she moos back.

  Through the dark wood, I can just make out the light in Mrs Jingle Jangle’s van. Poor Mrs Jingle Jangle – she has no idea what horrible ending the EVIL CHICKENS has in store for her.

  RUSTY sleeps in a way that looks like he could spring into action at any moment. As usual he sleeps with one eye open – tonight it’s watching the tree.

  I closes both of mine and tries to nod off. But I can’t.

  I looks down at Duck, curled up next to me. His eyes is closed, but I is not convinced he is asleep either.

  “Duck,” I whispers, “is you awake?”

  “No, I’m fast asleep and so should you be. We’ve got a big day ahead,” he whispers back.

  “You can’t talk and be asleep,” I says.

  “I’m sleep talking,” he replies grumpily.

  “I can’t sleep,” I whispers, “I is too nervous. What if this all goes wrong and Mrs Jingle Jangle is blown away and Ki-Ki gets eaten by Fox and I gets taken away by Deathra and then I never sees you again!”

  “Shhhh, Pig,” he says, curling up against me. He feels nice and warm, like a feathery hot-water bottle. “We have to believe it will be OK – we have no other choice. Now: GO. TO. SLEEP!”

  Operation Evil Chicken Down

  Hello.

  What I would like to write here is this: I was wrong to worry and everything went perfectly to plan. But I can’t. I is starting to realize that in my life nothing ever goes the way I wants it to. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

  RUSTY woke us just before dawn. Normally it takes me a while to wake up. But not today. As soon as he gives me a little nudge I is up. It is still dark; the EVIL CHICKENS is still snoring.

  I hears cow’s bush give a little rustle. “woc banding stye,” she whispers.

  “She says she’s standing by,” I translates.

  RUSTY starts to do something he calls “PSYCHING HIMSELF UP”. This involves beating his paws against his chest and repeating “C’MON, SOLDIER!” over and over. I may be a soldier now, but I is not going to do that. My trotters is too big and hard – I’d really hurt myself. Instead I sits and watches through the trees, hoping the Sheeps isn’t going to let us down.

  They doesn’t. They arrives on time. I can tell they is ready for a really big scratch; they is all twitchy.

  “RIGHT, YOU BUNCH OF OBSTINATE, WOOLY-WIGGED WIND-UPS…” I hears RUSTY mutter to himself as they approach, “YOU AIN’T MESSIN’ THIS OLD DOG AROUND TODAY! SOLDIER Duck, PLEASE ARRANGE THE sheep IN FORMATION AROUND THE TREE AND TELL THEM TO AWAIT MY INSTRUCTION.”

  I looks up at Ki-Ki. I can just make him out, hanging limply in the darkness. He must be so scared – Ki-Ki hates the dark. I looks across at cow’s bush. Her eyes stares back at us. They doesn’t look nervous at all – they looks kind of mad.

  RUSTY marches over to our hidey hole. He has a mad look in his eyes, just like cow. “RIGHT,” he says, “THIS IS IT. READY TO DO THIS THING?” It feels like he is saying this more to himself than us.

  We all agrees RUSTY should be the one to herd them – he’s had practice. The only thing I has ever herded is slops into my mouth.

  As cow can’t fit in our hole, Duck and I hides with her in her bush.

  RUSTY steps towards the Sheeps and raises a front leg. The Sheeps all gets themselves into their itching positions. He silently counts from three down to one, takes a very deep breath, then drops his paw.

  All the Sheeps begin frantically itching. RUSTY looks relieved. Up and down the Sheeps rub themselves. They really goes for it. The tree rocks a little. But it’s nowhere near enough to shake the CHICKENS out. RUSTY signals for them to itch harder. They does – the tree starts to move a bit more.

  But it’s still not enough.

  I hears a confused EVIL CHICKEN cluck. Then a few more, but none of them falls.

  The Sheeps go even faster. They are now moving so quickly they’re just a woolly white blur. Come on, EVIL CHICKENS, fall, please fall. PLEASE!!

  But not one does.

  I hears cow let out a loud snort. I glances across at her, but she’s not there any more. She’s charging at the tree.

  BOOOMFFF! She hits it head-on with all her might. The tree does a big rock – it sways one way then the other.

  Finally a sleepy CHICKEN flops to the floor. Then another, and another. I counts: three. Five more to go.

  cow walks back and takes another run-up. BOOOOMF! She hits the tree again. The Sheeps continue frantically itching. The tree does another big sway. I is surprised cow hasn’t knocked herself out. It’s like her head is made of stone.

  I hears the CHICKEN’S sharp little claws scrabbling to hold on, but they can’t. Four more tumbles out. They plops to the ground like feathery puffballs. Plumf! Plumf! Plumf! Plumf! They lies there, still half asleep, dazed by their fall. Seven down. They’re all there but one: the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN is still missing.

  I looks across at Duck; he nods. We both runs out of the bush and throws ourselves, along with cow, at the tree one last time.

  I is not sure Duck’s weight does much, but mine does. Down through the branches crashes the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN. It’s a long way from the top.

  It lands right in front of me. For a moment it looks like it might be dead. But then one of its evil eyes pops open.

  “YOU!” it says. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU SILLY STINK BAG? YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DESTROYED, JUST LIKE WE PLANNED!”

  I looks across at RUSTY, expecting him to start rounding them up. Now would be a good time, before they realize what’s happening. But he just stands there, still as a statue. His eyes fixed on the SUPER EVIL one. This must be one of his special soldier tactics.

  “AND LOOK, FELLOW CHICKENS,” continues the SUPER EVIL one, getting to its feet and letting out a cruel laugh. “LOOK WHO THE BIG PORK SAUSAGE HAS BROUGHT WITH HIM FOR COMPANY.”


  All the CHICKENS scramble to their feet and turn to look at RUSTY. His tail drops between his legs and he starts to shake. This is the strangest way to herd I has ever seen, but I is sure RUSTY knows what he’s doing.

  “IF IT ISN’T THE LEGENDARY ICKLE PUPPY DOG, ONLY NOW HE’S BIGGER. WELL, SORT-OF BIGGER. KLA! KLA! KLA!” cackles the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN. “EVERY CHICKEN ACROSS THE LAND KNOWS YOUR PATHETIC TALE; GOOD NEWS TRAVELS FAST IN OUR COMMUNITY. COME TO SEE US SO WE CAN FINISH THE JOB OUR COMRADES STARTED ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, HAVE YOU?”

  RUSTY’S back leg starts to twitch.

  “Come on, RUSTY!” I whispers at him. “What is you waiting for?”

  “YES, WHAT EXACTLY IS YOU WAITING FOR?” says the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN, doing a bad impression of me. “MEMORIES FLOODING BACK, ARE THEY? OH, HOW I HEARD YOU HOWLED AND CRIED. YOU POOR LITTLE THING.” It walks over and stands right in front of RUSTY. “BOO-HOO, WAAAA-WAAAAA!” it says, rubbing its eyes with its wings.

  “I … I…” stammers RUSTY. He no longer look like the Soldier RUSTY we knows. He looks like a scared little puppy.

  “RUSTY!” I cries out. “WE NEEDS TO GET THEM TO FOX. NOW!!!!”

  “WE DON’T HAVE ANY TIME FOR ANY OF THAT NONSENSE,” laughs the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN. “WE’VE AN OLD LADY WHO NEEDS OUR SPECIAL ATTENTION, DON’T WE, COMRADES?”

  “YA! YA! YA!” nod all the EVIL CHICKENS, laughing.

  cow lets out a huge burst of hot air from her nostrils.